No, holiday tips aren’t mandatory: What to know in this new era

PHILADELPHIA — Ah, the holiday season. It arrives each winter, bringing feelings of gratitude, merriment, generosity — and financial anxiety.

The cost of gifts and gatherings isn’t the only subject that weighs on people’s minds this time of year. Holiday tipping can be stressful, too, with individuals, couples, and families deciding which of their regular service people deserve an extra gratuity, as well as how much they should give and in what from.

Etiquette experts are accustomed to getting tons of tipping questions every December. But this year, several experts said, the topic has been especially hot. Some people have limited their budgets after a year of record inflation, job loss in some industries, and other changes to personal finances more than two years into the pandemic.

“People are really stressed about money this year,” said Gail Madison, director of the Madison School of Etiquette in Huntingdon Valley. “They’re pulling back because they have to prioritize.”

For some, that means the answer to the “annual question” — who should get a holiday tip and how much — is different this year, and that’s OK, said Daniel Senning, author and spokesperson at the Emily Post Institute.

“The reality is that for tipping to work well, it should feel good for everyone involved,” said Senning, who often reminds people that both gratuity and gratitude come from the Latin word gratis, which means thankful.

“No one is going to come check up on you and give you demerits for not doing it,” he added. But “when you make the choice to do it and act on that choice, that communicates something.”

If holiday tipping is on your mind, here are some other tips from etiquette experts.

Start planning early

Make your holiday budget as early as you can.

Be honest with yourself about where you stand, Senning said, and spend time thinking about how much you can afford to tip your regular service people this year.

If you realize you can’t give extra or need to cut back on the amount you normally give, remember you can still show your gratitude with words.

Don’t beat yourself up

If your budget doesn’t allow for holiday tips or you have to give less, don’t feel bad.

“People are understanding of the financial changes that many people are going through,” said Diane Gottsman, an international etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas. “You don’t want to skimp on a tip if you have the means. But if you’re struggling, the first priority is you have to take care of your family.”

Think about quality of service and relationship

If you’re able to give holiday tips, make a list of the people who do a regular service for you.

It can be helpful, Senning said, to break it down into two categories: people who help with your person, such as a regular hairdresser, and people who help with your home, such as a garbage collector or cleaning person.

Then, think about how much each person’s service means to you, what quality of service is done, and what kind of relationship you have with them.

“When great service is provided, you might want to prioritize that person over someone else for this year,” said Madison, who also suggests taking into account which workers rely more on tips.

If you are trying to give tips to fewer people this year, Gottsman said, it may be wise to cut anyone you aren’t scheduled to see in December.

“They don’t necessarily feel the sting,” she said, “because you don’t have the regular relationship.”

Use Venmo sparingly

While many service providers accept regular tips via Venmo or other mobile payment apps, experts say your holiday tip should probably be more personal.

A Venmoed gift “loses part of that warm and fuzzy,” Gottsman said. “But it really depends on the person and the generation.”

“No one is going to be unhappy that they were Venmoed cash,” she added, “but the gesture would not be as memorable” as if it were made offline.

Be careful about food

Even before the pandemic, homemade treats could be “iffy,” Gottsman said.

“Some people are going to appreciate it,” she said. “Others are going to toss it.”

One exception, she said, is if you know the person likes the baked good or has even asked for it specifically.

Write a thank-you note

Whether you are giving someone your normal holiday tip, cutting back, or cutting out the extra gratuity, express your thanks with a handwritten note.

“That in itself is something that is so rare,” Madison said. “Get a Christmas card or a Hanukkah card and write, ‘I appreciate you.’ People don’t think about doing these things these days, but people keep thank you notes.”

If you are unable to give as you’ve done in the past, you can choose to include that in a note, too, Senning said.

He said he suggests something like: “I wanted to say thank you so much for such an incredible year. Unfortunately, I can’t offer the same tip I gave in the past. Don’t think it’s a reflection of your service. We still appreciate what you did.”